TayVay Jumps The Shark

I don't believe in jumping the shark. That's not to say I don't think series decline - oh how they decline - but that there's not a single moment or episode where you can say "from here on out, suckage". Television doesn't go bad in the sense that, say, a ham would go bad. With TV, there's usually some change (lose a showrunner, a producer gets distracted, Ted McGinley gets hired) that causes things to go downhill. Ham don't work that way.

Alas, BSG has let me down. Despite its strong run as "the best show on television", Sunday's season finale was a clear message that it's all downhill from here. The acting will still be great, the actual dialogue will continue it's impressive run of awesome, but the story is going to wind down.

The revelation that "The Resistance" - the 3 people most responsible for antagonizing Cylons on New Caprica - were actually Cylons was so hackneyed, so poorly planned and executed, it's hard to see how they could go anywhere interesting with "The Plan". Just making someone a Cylon for shock value isn't witty, it's mean.

But what really grinds my gears is this interview with show creator Ron Moore after the finale. I really, truly held out hope that the 3 weren't actually cylons but had been manipulated somehow, like maybe Max Headroom was there all along. Anything but Cylons. But no, they're the real deal. Only they're not, because they're the part of the Final Five, so they "play by different rules". Ooooo, like what? No backsies? They've all had their cootie shots? Funk that.

They spend all this time creating a mythology, making you think there's something more than just than the old Humans v. Cylon paradigm (for instance, the temple of Jupiter that was built millennia before Cylons existed.) And then they screw it up by picking three random characters and turning them into the most powerful of all the Cylons.

And check the interview - this is something they "came up with" in the middle of the season. Look bub, the beginning of the show says in big white letters "They have a plan." That means you're supposed to have plan for their plan. You don't get to make it all up as you go along - that's like taking the mythology of the X-files and letting The Lone Gunmen run the show.

And yes, Starbuck is back. We don't yet know if she's a figment of Lee's imagination (think Six/Baltar), but odds are she isn't. God, if she's the final Cylon I'm going to crap myself. Can't you bring in someone? Or make it someone silly, like Lt. Gaeta (whom I've always suspected, btw). There needs to be some bind between the humans and Cylons other than "skinjobs" and betrayal and living amongst us, etc. For godssake, it's too much of a tease to construct all the amazing characters and have the series devolve into "well, they're cylons. How unexpected and deep."

Maybe I'll feel better when the show comes back in 2008, but I wouldn't count on it. BSG, congrats on actually jumping the shark. I didn't think it was possible.

Good vs Evil

Wednesday (shut up, I'm busy) the stars aligned - both the Mavs and the Stars were on TV in Houston. Better yet, the games didn't overlap - Mavs at 7 on ESPN and Stars at 9:30 and Fox SW. Why is this in a TV blog? One word: commentators.

Sports commentating is probably one the two jobs 90% of men would take in a second and be fairly qualified for, right there with "Burrito Tester". You know how little kids want to be astronauts or firemen? Sports commentating is basically the Dream Job of 18-25 year old males across the nation. Sure, we all know it's a little harder than it looks and requires a ton of prep work to be good. But deep down, we know we can do it and that we'd love it.

And Wednesday night provided the perfect point-counterpoint to commentator skill. Up first, in the red corner, weighing in at 220 pounds and zero complete sentences in 2006, it's Bill Walton. Last week, Bill Simmons had a great column about how one sportscaster can ruin a broadcast singlehandedly on a night-in-and-night-out basis. That's how I feel about BW - I'm sure he's a great guy and was a super center, but that man has no business with a headset other than to say "would you like that burger animal style?" He has this rambling, detached from reality style about him, where everything is either the greatest that ever was or the worst that God ever cursed upon this earth. And it changes. Every. Time. He. Talks. First, Lebron James is the greatest player to play the game, he puts the team on his back, you can't stop him, etc. He misses a shot and "Cleveland is not going to win with Lebron playing this poorly". I defy you to find someone who listens to BW and thinks "now that's a great broadcaster". He was the first national voice I learned to recognize, and now I cringe everytime I do.

But up next in the blue corner, weighing a combined 1.3 Oprahs and somehow making hockey popular in Texas, its Ralph & Razor. If you don't live in Dallas (or don't watch hockey, which I think covers everybody), you don't know R&R, but I assure you, they are the greatest pair to ever call an NHL game. Since they do both the radio and TV call, they have to be descriptive and entertaining enough for the radio audience while not being completely overbearing and talking over the action for the TV. Of course, it doesn't hurt that Razor is a kooky ex-goalie who talks like a Canadian trying to sound like a Canadian. And Ralph, what can you say about a guy who beat alcoholism and cocaine addiction to keep his dream job. They play off each other brilliantly, and they have this tremendous backstory - it's like Wayne and Garth shaped up and got a job calling hockey games in Texas. You couldn't ask for more entertainment.

So the message, as always, is for producers: if you want to succeed, hire good people. And if you don't, I hear Bill Walton is available.

The mantees aren't very funny

My officemate and I have an ongoing feud. Let's call him Chris T. No, that's too obvious, let's say C. Taylor. He maintains that Family Guy is far superior to Futurama, and furthermore that Futurama makes him angry when it comes on.

Well, clearly my officemate is an idiot. Differences of opinion are one thing, but this is just sheer idiocy. But it raises an interesting question, because both of these shows got cancelled by Fox around the same time, and both are back. FG has been back a while, and let's face it, quite funny. Futurama, on the other hand, is coming back with 3 direct to dvd movies, which will be chopped up into 15 episodes and run on Comedy Central. But whatever, it's coming back.

So how do you get a series you love back? Well, it helps if the series is actually good and/or has a following. In the case of FG, this was demonstrated by the tremendous DVD sales. But for Futurama, I'm not positive how it happened. Yeah, lots of letters and petitions helped I'm sure. But Futurama got the shaft from Fox - instead of the 8:30/7:30 post-simpsons timeslot that was given to King Of The Hill, they got the 7:30/6:30 lead-in, meaning they got cancelled everytime a football game went long. Which was every week. So new episodes never made it out, and they couldn't find an audience. Which makes it even more remarkable that they're back.

Unregardless, I feel like there's a rivalry between these shows (or at least between their core audiences). People seem to feel strongly one way or the other, but I don't know why. FG is devoted to random inanity, while F is witty, subtle, and textured in story. Both of them seem to have a pretty good grasp of their place in television and their role in popular culture, but that's not enough.

I do wonder how rewatchability might affect the rivalry. I don't mean how much someone who originally hated one show hates it after seeing it several time, I mean what is the dropoff in enjoyment for the proponents. Here I think F has the clear edge, as FG relies too much on shock value and randomness for its humor. That wears thin a lot faster than integrated character arcs where the jokes are based on situated humor.

Still, kudos to Adult Swim for getting both of them back. I think we can all agree that no matter where you come down on the F/FG debate, AS is pretty spectacularly awesome. Except for that "Tim & Eric Awesome Show" tripe. Getting a 10th grader to direct your show isn't funny, it sucks. Deal with it.

The Fontanaverse

I had forgotten that St. Elsewhere was entirely imagined by an autistic child. But a hat tip to JC (not Jesus Christ, as far as I know) who pointed out the Fontanaverse. Be aware that some doubt the Fontanaverse, but regardless it's an interesting exercise in TV history.

Which gets me thinking: is the "it was all a dream" explanation fair? I can only think of a few examples. First, Dallas, where Victoria Principal dreams an entire season at the end of which Patrick Duffy dies. To be honest, I've had this same dream, only instead of a huge family living in a mansion north of Dallas, I imagine Suzanne Somers crushing him to death with her thighs. But then I wake up, and realize that that would be far too entertaining to be on television. At any rate, it'd piss me off if I really committed to a show only to learn that I had invested a year in stories that didn't actually tie together. That's the whole point of serials, people. The stories interweave and interconnect. Leaving one story off of the narrative thread is forgivable, but to throw away a whole season is just cruel. TV minus coherency equals Family Guy (and that's not a compliment).

And the only other one that comes to mind is Newhart. Here, we have something different where the story world is internally consistent and fully connected. Even better, it connects to a previous show, The Bob Newhart Show, via Suzanne Pleshette. It was unexpected and funny, so I'll give it a pass.

A few sidenotes on Newhart - I always thought it was strange that Bob Newhart did The Bob Newhart Show, Newhart, and Bob, yet in none of those was there a character named "Newhart". (In fairness, his name on Bob was in fact Bob). Additionally, David Mirkin was the creator of the Newhart show. You might remember him from such shows as The Simpsons(during it's golden years in the mid-90s) and The Many Aquatic Loves of Troy McClure, which I just made up.

Game-show-rama

Are prime time game shows good for television? Let's break it down:

• Normal people get to be on TV. Good and bad. There are some times that I love watching regular people have their lives changed for the better, like Pimp my Ride. It's a guilty pleasure, but it's nice to see random people rewarded, even if it's for something stupid like picking a number. But then you run the overwhelming risk of jackassery. It's a minus, but just barely. Edge: No go.
• Forgotten stars get to resurrect their careers. Howie Mandell, Regis Philbin, Bob Saget, that lady from The Weakest Link (who was on the ropes in the UK, I guess), Penn Jilette, and William Shatner (it's Shat-tastic!). Answer: They all have it in common. Question: What is the antithesis of talent? Edge: Definite no go.
• Money flows from studios to the masses. This is not as important as one might think. The biggest prizes are still way less than they'd be spending on crazy things like stories or actors. A huge financial gain for the studio makes it look like they're being generous when in reality they're cheap punks. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I'm smarter than a kindergartener...and I'm willing to prove it for $100,000. Edge: Slight go.
• Suspense. Artificially splicing in dramatic looks with dramatic music at a dramatically loud volume is not actual drama. If it were, David Caruso would have an Emmy. Edge: No go.
• Bright lights, shiny objects, and attractive women. How do you argue against these things? They're the essence of America, and in the case of shiny objects, the essence of the American political landscape (look out! Gays! Yeah yeah, there's a war on, but there are gay people getting married! Look! No, not at Walter Reed, it's Adam and Steve! Shiny!) Edge: Slight go.

That's about as scientific as it gets. Final verdict: prime time game shows hurt our country. But not as much as an incompetent attorney general illegal immigrants.

Why Cable News Doesn't Matter

Over the course of this blog, I'm going to make a lot of fun of Fox News. And in turn, people might start to consider me some sort of left-wing nut who just hates FNC for its self-hyped "balance". But the truth is, FNC is the only news channel that has anything to offer in the way of entertainment. CNN, MSNBC, CNBC (which is evidently different): all of them are insufferably boring. There's no zazz, no pop to their programming. Whereas I know that if I turn on FNC at any given time of the day, I'm going to hear about how the Democrats are whiny babies and The Decider is always under attack from the nefarious and nebulous "left-wing". It's like a soothing white noise in the background - meaningless, yet reliable.

But who knows what I get if I watch one of the other networks. They could be covering something important (unlikely) or something incredibly orthogonal to the concept of news (Anna Nicole). Not that FNC is innocent of this, they just frame everything as the War Against The President. I think the other day Neil Cavuto and Brit Hume used the same talking points to claim Anna Nicole was only getting attention so the media didn't have to pay attention to all the good things going on in Iraq.

But ask yourself this, can you at least have a chuckle at FNC? Because I guarantee that the only people to be entertained by CNN in the last 6 years are people stuck in the airport who don't speak English.

Pilots 2007 - Part 1

Ever wonder what half-baked ideas are in the oven for next TV season? Peer through this heatproof glass. I'm going to do NBC today, but will gradually work my way up to (but not including) the CW. That's because it still doesn't exist. 7th Heaven? If you're still making 7th Heaven, you lose the right to exist.

(confidential to those who clicked that link: I like how of the 23 people who signed the petition to save 7H since Feb 2006, one of them actually wants it to be cancelled and another seems to think that petition=forum. Not a good sign.)

On to NBC:

• Ft. Pit. One of two offerings from Apostle, so I won't discount it immediately. But the pitch doesn't really set it apart. So there's a police station in a tough part of the city? And this isn't The Shield...how? Oh right, less cursing.
• Journeyman. So, new rule: if you starred in Homicide, your show gets press on TayVay. Also, this show has someone attached named "Moon Bloodgood". That's three "oo"s and three different sounds for each.
• Untitled Blake/Shore Project. A cast reunion from 24! Both Nina and George Mason are attached, and I'm intrigued by the "woman in a cop's world" premise. But these Blake/Shore guys worked together on House, which makes me nervous. Blake also has a disturbing amount of David E. Kelley work in his background, which makes me think this could be similar to Studio 60 subplot where all the writers left to write "Peripheral Vision Man". I hope I'm wrong. And speaking of the 24 cast, has anyone else noticed that almost everyone who's ever spoken on 24 has had a role on CSI?
• M.O.N.Y. Gold. I don't get what it's about or who the actors are, but I'm sold. Fontana and Levinson not only get the HLOTS bump like Journeyman, but they get respek for getting Spike Lee to sign on. I thought he was too busy to run that cable network, but I guess I was wrong. But seriously, what's amazing about Fontana and Levinson isn't the quality they put out, but how little crap their is on their resumes. Fontana's done like 20 things and three of them are Oz, Homicide, and St. Elsewhere. As a proportion of a corpus of work, that's phenomenal.
  

On to the comedy. And it's not pretty.

• Actually...

You know, this is too terrible. Let's just say there's a show starring Emannuelle, one based on an IT department, and another that dares to cast Darryl "Chill" Mitchell in a leading role. Yes, by all means, let's give our show to a bit player on the John Larroquette Show who managed to be totally overmatched by Tim Allen. Success!

Fox Favorites

It's only a few more hours to Fox Sunday! I'm giddy with excitement!

Why, you might ask? Because Fox Sunday is filled with shows where 11 people on 8 cameras scream at each other.



I've said it before and I'll say it again: minute-for-minute, Fox News is the funniest channel on television.

Background Music

Grey's Anatomy is sorta famous for this music thing (warning: iTunes link here) where they set everything to hipster music. Now, I'm a big fan of hipster music. And anything that brings Jem and Nellie McKay to the masses can't be all bad.

But my concern is that there's a music director on set whose job it is to "pump up the emotion". And in the case of GA, it's almost like they're substituting the actual craft of television with songs that completely overpower whatever's going on on-screen. At no point should I ever think "The music's better than the action, so I'll just listen to it and catch up on the story later". But the music is so much better than the actual faux-emoting going on, that's what happens.

Only one show I know of has really pulled off the "let's bring in music to support the story!" goal: Homicide. Obviously, I'm a huge HLOTS fan, so I could be biased, but that's the only show I remember where I thought "what was that, and where can I get it?" And this was back in the 90's when Napster was cool. Even after I found a list of all the songs, I could only get 30% of what was there. It wasn't hipster, it was rarely pop, it was always perfectly tuned to the scene. It actually helped move the show along, not wrap it up and beat you over the head with the message you were supposed to get.

Will we ever see another show that employs music as a tool instead of a bludgeon? Likely no. But it makes me appreciate HLOTS all the much more.

What went wrong with Studio 60

Let's face it, it was a flop. Despite the best cast since Hill Street Blues, and the best writing since, well Sports Night or West Wing, S60 just couldn't deliver. I'll admit, I stuck with it as long as I could, even though Aaron Sorkin hasn't created a strong female character since Nicole Kidman in Malice. Perhaps it's because I'm a huge Amanda Peet fan. Or perhaps I was so pleased with Nate Corddry's ascendence to a regular role. But the show committed crimes against entertainment:

• Making Matthew Perry as unlikable as humanly possible. He was like a witty Darth Maul. How is this even possible? The guy can carry a show, and they turned him from Chandler into Janice. On a scale of unforgivableness from "Muppets Tonight" to "My Mother The Car", this ranks as a "Yes, Dear"
• Drawing out the Matthew Perry/Sarah Paulson relationship to the point no one wanted them to get together. Never a good formula. Ranking: Canceling "Andy Richter Controls the Universe".
• Fabricating a romantic storyline out of Bradley Whitford and Amanda Peet. Bradley Whitford is married to Jane Kaczmarek (whom I love, don't get me wrong), so you can't help but think "a little out of his league". Ranking: "Cop Rock".
• Making this the US television debut of Lucy Davis. She was Pam on The Office before there was a Pam. One of the more gifted comedic British actresses working today, and she got lost in a cast of thousands. Super. Ranking: John Madden's continued employment as a football announcer.
• The storyline (spanning two episodes!) that had two characters on a roof in LA, both of whom were unable to get cell phone reception. I can suspend my disbelief only so far, but this crosses the line. Uncool, Aaron Sorkin. Ranking: Somewhere between "Walker, Texas Ranger" and "The 1/2 Hour News Hour".

Just kill it, NBC. It's time for Aaron Sorkin to write something worth his time. And not about himself! For godssake, never ever let a writer base a character on himself. That's a recipe for "The Jeff Foxworthy Show"

The Greatest

At some point, all tv blogs must address what the "best" shows are. Not because it matters what some doofus with a keyboard thinks is "best", but precisely because it doesn't matter. TV - it doesn't matter. Lists about TV - especially don't matter. It's a match made in heaven.

But unregardless, I'm going to forge ahead with my awards for television today. We'll start small and get big.

• Best show to feel simultaneously both smart and stupid - Fox's Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader. A narrow victory over "Hannity and Colmes", where the viewer is smarter than the people on the show, but stupid enough to watch it anyways.
• Best show to play a drinking game to - The Office. Feel awkward, take a shot.
• Best show to make you angry with America - Trading Spouses. I feel like this is a bit of a cheap shot, but ask yourself this: have you ever thought "I'm glad I live in a country where this is considered entertainment?" That's what I thought.
• Best unexpectedly hot actress - Sarah Carter (Shark). It's tempting to go with Allyson Hannigan, Lauren Graham (who imdb says is 40, yow), or Mary Louise Parker (who should hold some kind of Hotness Quotient record for hotness divided by age). But I'm going with Sarah Carter over Emily Proctor (CSI: DavidCarusoCreepsOutChildren) on this basis: Proctor looks good next to Khandi Alexander, Carter looks good next to Jeri Ryan. Check and mate.
• Best show you're not watching - Rescue Me. Also the winner of "Best show no one outside Denis Leary's family has heard of" award. Grade A writing, grade A plots, grade A+ acting. Kudos to FX for coming up with 5 solid dramas to trot out over the year.
• Best show involving Seth Green - Robot Chicken. Not even close. Family Guy has gotten better, but last night they did "Behind the Music: Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem Band". Zoot got caught trying to smuggle 37 pounds of hash in the Tokyo airport. Now that's inspired.

Just to tide you over - this is too much fun. But the reason I wrote this post:

• Best show - Battlestar Galactica. I resisted at first, but got into it during season 2 (or 2.5. Come on producers, you're not that cool). But after the boxing episode this year, this category was closed. There's not even a question in my mind - the only thing left to argue about is the margin by which BSG is best. Just fascinating stories, characters, arcs, acting, messages, and production value. Other shows capture a subset of these, but nothing comes close in all six. So many questions, so much murkiness. It's fun, yet endearing, yet frightening, yet heartstring-pulling. Best. Show. Period.
  

Boom goes the television

I admit it. I am one of the 17 people on the planet who knows what Pants Off Dance Off is [Tagline: This is your brain on pause]. I won't say I watch it, but it does logically follow that I'm also one of the 41 people who know what FUSE TV is (no link. I refuse.) In fact, I'm listening to it right now. There's a song by a band who apparently just found the vocoder function in their recording studio.

And you know what? I miss Jodie Sweetin. She was so endearing as the grown up (and I mean grown up: I don't know if I miss her or her rack) member of the Tanner family. And thinking about her makes me wonder, "What happened to the Tanners?"

• Bob Saget: Does that 1 vs 100 show and the voiceover for How I Met Your Mother. Also, a dirty dirty man.
• John Stamos: Convinced Rebecca Romijn to change her name. Then Jake in Progress. Both surprising accomplishments, yet I remain unswayed.
• Dave Coulier: Let's be honest - Dave Coulier's moment was Out of Control. America's Funniest People? Never happened (proof: no link). Though there's a rumor that he dated/had crazy illegal sex with an underage Alanis Morrisette, causing her to write "You Oughta Know". If true, that definitely tops OOC.
• Candace Cameron: Married a hockey player (hold on, I'm coming back to this). I think Valeri Bure, but it could have been Pavel. And I'm not looking it up, because I have too many links already. Anyways, she's a mom now. Good for her.
• Olsen twins: Have consumed 11000 calories since 1997. Seriously, I'm impressed.
• Lori Loughlin: One of those really attractive women who was in one thing and disappeared. Like the girlfriend from Ferris Bueller. And yes, I'm counting In Case of Emergency as continued disappearance.
• Jodie Sweetin: Mom. PODO second season host. Replaced by Willa Ford. Yeah, I hadn't heard of her either. But apparently Willa's marrying Mike Modano. And a pop star. And got her name from a mispronunciation of Fred Flinstone's wife. ("Willa"? That's not a word!)
  

OK, so my thoughts on PODO and FUSE are just gonna have to wait. But this first post could have gone worse.