Good vs Evil

Wednesday (shut up, I'm busy) the stars aligned - both the Mavs and the Stars were on TV in Houston. Better yet, the games didn't overlap - Mavs at 7 on ESPN and Stars at 9:30 and Fox SW. Why is this in a TV blog? One word: commentators.

Sports commentating is probably one the two jobs 90% of men would take in a second and be fairly qualified for, right there with "Burrito Tester". You know how little kids want to be astronauts or firemen? Sports commentating is basically the Dream Job of 18-25 year old males across the nation. Sure, we all know it's a little harder than it looks and requires a ton of prep work to be good. But deep down, we know we can do it and that we'd love it.

And Wednesday night provided the perfect point-counterpoint to commentator skill. Up first, in the red corner, weighing in at 220 pounds and zero complete sentences in 2006, it's Bill Walton. Last week, Bill Simmons had a great column about how one sportscaster can ruin a broadcast singlehandedly on a night-in-and-night-out basis. That's how I feel about BW - I'm sure he's a great guy and was a super center, but that man has no business with a headset other than to say "would you like that burger animal style?" He has this rambling, detached from reality style about him, where everything is either the greatest that ever was or the worst that God ever cursed upon this earth. And it changes. Every. Time. He. Talks. First, Lebron James is the greatest player to play the game, he puts the team on his back, you can't stop him, etc. He misses a shot and "Cleveland is not going to win with Lebron playing this poorly". I defy you to find someone who listens to BW and thinks "now that's a great broadcaster". He was the first national voice I learned to recognize, and now I cringe everytime I do.

But up next in the blue corner, weighing a combined 1.3 Oprahs and somehow making hockey popular in Texas, its Ralph & Razor. If you don't live in Dallas (or don't watch hockey, which I think covers everybody), you don't know R&R, but I assure you, they are the greatest pair to ever call an NHL game. Since they do both the radio and TV call, they have to be descriptive and entertaining enough for the radio audience while not being completely overbearing and talking over the action for the TV. Of course, it doesn't hurt that Razor is a kooky ex-goalie who talks like a Canadian trying to sound like a Canadian. And Ralph, what can you say about a guy who beat alcoholism and cocaine addiction to keep his dream job. They play off each other brilliantly, and they have this tremendous backstory - it's like Wayne and Garth shaped up and got a job calling hockey games in Texas. You couldn't ask for more entertainment.

So the message, as always, is for producers: if you want to succeed, hire good people. And if you don't, I hear Bill Walton is available.